The Mental Load of Motherhood: An Invisible Weight

What crossed your mind this morning before you poured your first cup of coffee? If you’re a parent, specifically a mother, you may have reminded yourself to book an appointment, contemplated whether the kids winter boots fit along with thinking about a dozen other things, all while checking the daily schedule and packing lunches and backpacks with everything that will be needed for the day.

Amidst the beautiful chaos that is motherhood, including all the amazing moments that make it all worthwhile, the mental load is an invisible weight that many mothers carry. It’s a running to-do list that never stops that may exact a significant toll on a mother’s mental health and long-term wellness (Djossa, 2024).

What Exactly is the Mental Load of Motherhood?

The ‘mental load’ is the invisible management of all the logistics involved in managing a household and family. This often falls disproportionately to one partner in a family, usually mothers, regardless of whether they work outside of the home. Not only does this relate to doing tasks, but also remembering, planning and anticipating them (Callaghan et al., 2024).

These constant thought processes underlie every small detail that keeps a household running. This includes everything from scheduling and booking activities and appointments, to ensuring clothing and shoes fit and knowing what your child’s favourite stuffed animal is.

Even in households with an equal division of physical labour, the mental load often remains uneven, with the ‘default parent’ shouldering the bulk of this load. ‘Intensive mothering’ is a hallmark of modern parenting in the Western world, in which parents feel increased external pressure to engage in high-level, child-centered parenting. This includes things such as planning epic birthday parties, coordinating playdates, and knowing where the missing toys and favourite crafts are hiding. It’s akin to running a computer with a million tabs over and switching between them constantly. The accumulation of these tasks is all encompassing and leads many mothers to avoid their own well-being (Callaghan et al., 2024).

Why Does It Feel so Heavy?

Beyond logistics, mothers are also often mindful of the mood within a household, ensuring everyone is seen, heard, and loved. This is nuanced and ever-changing, so can hardly be checked off a list.

The weight of the expectations surrounding motherhood can lead to feelings of guilt. Guilt from feeling overwhelmed and unable to keep up without help. Guilt from feeling a need for space or quiet when overstimulated and guilt from not being able to be present and enjoy the small moments

The Cost of Carrying It Alone

When all your energy goes towards managing the household, there’s often little left for self-care and meeting your own needs. The mental load may show up as anxiety, irritability, numbness or forgetfulness. This may ultimately contribute to burnout, as well as impacting relationships, mental health, and a mother’s self-worth (Rodsky, 2019).

Lightening the Load

So, what can you do to navigate this aspect of parenthood?

• Name it. Sharing openly about the mental load with a partner, friends, family or a therapist can help make it feel real and valid.

• Share it. Create systems to share the load so one person doesn’t have to be relied upon to remember everything, including shared calendars, lists and reminders.

• Accept imperfection. Determine when ‘good enough’ will be fine and consider what you can let go of during this stage of life.

• Schedule time for yourself. Prioritize taking time to recharge yourself mentally, even if it’s only for a few minutes a day. Take a walk around the block, enjoy a coffee, say no. Take the rest that is necessary for you as a person. Perhaps even scheduling a counselling session with a therapist at Safe Haven Counselling will provide you with some time for nurturing and self-reflection.

• Limit scrolling. Comparison is the thief of joy. Constant exposure to influencers on Instagram and Tic Tok creates unrealistic expectations surrounding motherhood and heighten feelings of guilt.

• Seek support. Solidarity matters. Sometimes hearing another mother say they feel the same way helps to lift the weight and create a sense of shared humanity.

The Takeaway

Motherhood is all encompassing but should not come at the cost of your own wellness. You deserve to be seen and feel supported as a person in your own right, not just as a mother. You’re a person with your own needs, dreams and limits. Sharing these within a safe, non-judgemental space, such as with one of the therapists at Safe Haven Counselling, can be the first step in taking back your identity and finding peace and wellness (Callaghan et al., 2024).

References:

Callaghan, B. L., McCormack, C., Kim, P., & Pawluski, J. L. (2024). Understanding the maternal brain in the context of the mental load of motherhood. Nature Mental Health, 2(7), 764-772.

Djossa, E. (2024). Releasing the mother load: how to carry less and enjoy motherhood more. Sounds True.

Rodsky, E. (2019). Fair play: a game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). First large print edition. Random House Large Print.

Author: Stephanie Evans, Registered Provisional Psychologist, MA